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Please let it be now

Gratitude mixed with profound joy was exploding from my heart, erupting over and over like a volcano. I sobbed, in my friend’s arms, filled with the intensity of the blessing. I felt like a midwife holding a newborn in her hands after an intense two year long labor. Joy, gratitude, wonder at the miracle that had transpired before my eyes, amazed by the grace that moved through us.

Forty minutes earlier I’d been on a video call and very powerfully praying, “please let it be now, it’s the right time”. Invoking, with every atom of my being, and knowing that it could very well happen… and truth be told, almost already knowing that it would happen, too.

My client Vanisa* and I had been working together for over two years over Skype and Google Hangouts. Through some very hard times, and very good times, we’d met once a week for an hour (and sometimes up to 2 hours) doing the “healing and opening” energy work I call Conscious Communion.

She worked hard and was intensely committed.

I loved every moment of it, even when it was hard for me, or I was tired, or I had my own issues I was dealing with.  It was two years of learning for us both. And now she was at a precipice. Holding on by a thread.

The right questions came at the right moments, and I prayed as she responded and felt into the inquiry.

Please let it be now.

The universe capitulated. Before my eyes, I watched and listened and felt as my client’s self contraction dissolved, and her awareness of “who she was” shifted into non-duality.

 

*Not her real name.

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The Hug

When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.
– Rumi

There is underlying joy, yes.  Every time I check, I’m absolutely filled with it.

It’s kind of strange.  If I’m just in my life, doing regular life things, I don’t even notice it. And then I check inside – I slow down, feel my breath, and ask myself what I’m feeling. And there it is, deep happiness, bubbling joy, a smile that starts in my solar plexus and fills my experience.

And still I check, because externally, there’s much falling apart. This trip has brought up so much grief, terror, interpersonal fear… nooks and crannies of my being are now being revealed. Tensions, contractions, anxieties, wounds, places where I hold regret, anger, jealousy, fear – they are all there.  And now they are all here.

I check with my housemate, “are we doing okay?”  She assures me we’re doing fine. This quiet, gentle and beautiful soul has given me no reason to be afraid. Sure, she can be Kali when she needs to, but really, she’s very easy to live with.  I’m seeing the places where I’m afraid to interact with her, where I’m afraid to step on her toes, where I believe that I’m supposed to show up a certain way or she’ll be mad and I’ll be killed.

Needless to say, this keeps me continually contracting.  Don’t bother her before work in the morning.  Stay out of her way in the house.  Keep things clean.  Don’t turn on music. (Ouch, that one hurts.)  And I know it’s not about her at all. It’s all me.

Tonight I admitted much of this to her and after a chat, in which she allayed my fears, she asked to hug me and I was literally terrified.  ME!!  TERRIFIED OF A HUG!!!  WTF?  Every hair on my body stood up.  Panic moved through me.  I watched this with interest, tears came to my eyes and we hugged. (And then got mugged by Jake, the huge dog, who wanted to be part of the hug fest.)

 

 

 

Week 2… sleep!

A while back I wrote a post about my comedic (neurotic?)  encounter with a carbon monoxide detector. I relived the experience on Sunday evening when I thought the house was going to go on fire.

Reading in bed, just about to fall asleep, the overhead light in my bedroom shorted – while it was turned off.  I jumped out of bed, got dressed, called to my housemate, “I’m scared!” She was quite calm.  “What’s up?”  When I told her the light in my bedroom shorted out, she handled it like a pro, locating the electrical box, and turning off the circuit breaker. “There,” she said to me, “now there’s no electricity going to it, so you don’t have to worry.”

Not to worry.  Ok. I climbed into bed and tried to go to sleep.

What if the circuit breaker is bad?  What if there is still electricity going to it?  I decide I’m not going to bother her again. Toss and turn.  I get up and get dressed, so that if there’s a fire, I’ll be quick out the window, then climb back into bed.  Oh, can’t forget my computer. I put the computer bag by the window.  Then the car keys.  Then the winter coat.  And some toiletries. I start a pile by the window in case the house goes on fire.  Ok, back to bed.

My still-packed suitcases. Getting back out of bed, I move them near the window. Next I worry about the dogs, and then surmise they’ll be fine because they’re on the other side of the house, and they can escape via the doggy door.  Shoot, my housemate! (You can tell I’ve been living alone for a while.) I hastily come up with a plan to throw the stuff out the window first, then crawl across to the other side of the room, and head for her room to make sure she’s able to get out.  Then I realize the dogs will be barking, so they’ll wake her and she’ll get out the other door.

Now I can sleep.

But I can’t. My body is so tense and scared, and truly, my jeans and sweater and bra are uncomfortable to sleep in. I decide that a progressive meditation is now in order. “Your scalp is relaxing.  Deep breath.  Your forehead is relaxing. Deep breath.  Your eyes are relaxing back in the sockets. Deep breath.”

Mind wandering, I sit straight up in bed, thinking of all the things I just carted all the way across the damn country that I’ll lose if the house goes on fire.  Shoot, this is stupid, go to sleep.

It’s now after 3 am.  I decide that a bath will relax me.  But the circuit breaker is off, so this bath is in the dark, which is probably good because I won’t have blaring lights and it then will be easier to rest. After a soothing bath, I climb back into bed and start to drift off. I wake up over and over, and finally, it’s morning.  Thank God.

Now y’all KNOW I’m crazy.

Every other night this week has had something unusual that has interrupted my sleep. I’m not sure what it means, and probably nothing, but I find it interesting.

Of course none of this as interesting to me as the practices that my group dove into this week, discerning differences and nuances between and among experiences of witnessing, non-duality and supermind.

I’m really glad that I listened to the call to come to Georgia.

 

About

Eliz
A Bay Area girl in Georgia.  Writing helps me understand what I’m doing, going through, experiencing.  It helps me process and sort it all out.  So over the next year, this foreigner will share her life in the Augusta wilderness. 🙂

Stay tuned.  And please feel free to comment.  ❤

 

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And so it begins.

A week since I landed and began the Georgia Adventure.  I mentioned in a facebook post that I felt energetically sort of confused, and that my body was trying to carefully attune to the new environment. Today’s walk took this to a new level of clarity and relaxation.

I thought that I was going for an energetic half hour walk in the sun – for exercise and to feel some warmth, a respite from the cold and the rain of the past week.  As soon as I was outside, however, my body wanted to slow down.  I couldn’t walk fast.  Pulled to walk slowly, I found myself observing… without any object in particular.  It was a sense of allowing, letting in, being receptive which felt easy and natural.

After a time, I noticed my attention drawn to different places.  First it was the earth. I put my hands down on a piece of earth covered in pine needles, with a few patches of green clover and some little weeds peeking through.  Squatting as I lay my hands on her, I felt the earth giving information to me – knowledge transmitted in the secret language without words or symbols that my body/being understands.  I felt my being receiving this mother-wisdom, and I felt not separate from her.  It was so simple and natural, like light flows into dark, and water flows downhill.  As if I were a baby in the womb and my mother’s body was in communion with mine, offering me the space and time and place and love in which to flourish.

I noticed an ant traveling on a piece of grass and felt the sameness and difference of his ant-body/being (what is the right word for this?) as compared with a Bay Area ant-body/being.

Then I sa20160116_114232w the trees.They are so different than the trees of my beloved Bay.  There was a small, thin tree covered in vines, which felt like a natural extension of the place where my hands had been.  My vision shifted to a telephone pole.

Even the moss covered telephone pole felt like it belonged. It
had been in communion with the earth for some time, and so they were also not two.

I moved down the street and saw a sign in a person’s yard. I felt very sad when I saw that sign, and I started to dismiss it. Then, realizing the dismissal, I opened up to the sadness of the sign and saw/felt a deep grief going back generations.  I don’t know who, what or why.  I just let it be.

Soon my attention was drawn to a rosemary bush which, upon my asking, offered a sprig of new growth to inhale, and I received her essence as it washed through me.

A friend suggested that I commune with the land here and ask for permission to taste/touch/smell/walk on, so I did that. I asked a piece of land if I could walk on her, feel her under my feet.  She said yes, and it was soft, cushiony, pleasurable, and I felt myself becoming more in tune with the land/space here.

When I told my mom I felt “out of sorts” a few days ago, just after arriving, she said to me, “find a puddle and stomp in it, then smear some mud on your face!”  Now to many of my Bay Area friends, that might not sound too strange.  But coming from Marilyn, my fabulous, very traditional, New York mother, it’s outrageous.  Sometimes the depth of her mother-wisdom and ability to be dialed in is very surprising.  The next day she apologized to me and said she hoped I wasn’t angry or upset that she said that… I told her no, I wasn’t.  And I appreciated it.

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After my walk I had a video call with a friend from home.  Instantly I was in tears without knowing why.  As the tears flowed, I became aware that my energy body was feeling the comfort of the familiar, and all of the layers and levels of things that means to me, via his Bay Area body.  Communication between our being/bodies felt like they were sharing new information.  Samuel put my experience into words when he said to me “you’re an exchange student in a foreign land.”  Yes.

And all of that is only one aspect of this exciting adventure.  Diving into my practice group (here a week!) has been like being in a microwave oven…  internal components are being shaken up and heated… In just the first week, I’ve come to visit these unexpected layers:

  • a deeper healing and relaxation of my mother wound,
  • a pattern (from 2 years of age) of stubborn refusal to accept nourishment from caregivers
  • the powerlessness of being a victim of the universe (feels like a lifelong underlying pattern), and
  • utter confusion, creating
  • a dysfunctional paralysis.

Can’t wait to see what next week brings.  🙂