Hope, Self-Love and Inspiration

 

I came for a practice.  I moved to Georgia to practice with a community of beautiful very human beings – to do the deep, powerful and intense work that rang a clarion call so strong and loud that I had to leave my beloved Bay.  Our practice blows me open further, deeper, wider.  Our group is healing, living, loving, changing. The shifts are palpable, sometimes tumultuous, and always leading to a fuller inhabiting of both my human and divine natures. We are delving into explorations at the edges of consciousness, and finding ourselves in unmapped territory.  It’s very exciting.

And…

Simultaneously, the last three months have been a blur of sleep, pain, aching, brain fog and more sleep.  Thoughts of “the end of suffering” have not been uncommon.  And by the end of suffering, I mean death. Not a plan, but rather a looking forward.

I struggled to get out of bed most days. I struggled to make decisions.  I struggled to even get dressed many days, let alone attempt to create work for myself. That seemed completely out of the realm of possibility. Forget about blog writing. That, too, was just not in the cards. With no energy and no desire, I just couldn’t see any way out of the darkness. Going to practice was all that I was really interested in doing.  That and a few calls with friends from the Bay with whom I could reconnect and drop into loving spaciousness.

One thing I was able to do over the last three months was to completely shift my diet and slowly integrate handful of beneficial nutritional supplements.  I have only eaten out twice since living in Georgia, and I’m doing all my cooking at home. I’ve reestablished my daily yoga practice.

One would think with this degree of healthy, organic eating, and other beneficial changes that I’d be feeling well – on top of my game.  That wasn’t happening, and I was getting more and more discouraged.

I came to the conclusion that I was in a period of “plateau” – a period of intense inner transformation that needed rest on the body level to complete, and that I’d simply have to ride it out, finally coming to peace with the idea.

Then, last Friday night, I felt a bad headache coming on – on top of the generalized pain in my back, neck, hips, wrists and hands that I’d been living with daily, so I took some ibuprofen.

Two hours later I was clear, energized, joint pain gone, headache and brain fog gone, and I even had some creative ideas about sharing my work with people.

Mind officially blown.

Taking an anti-inflammatory COMPLETELY shifted my gross/subtle (physical) body and changed my chemistry; it fully, utterly shifted my relationship to what I was experiencing.

After quite a bit of research, I’ve come to believe that I’ve been in a full-fledged auto-immune type of inflammatory response for an extended period of time (many years) which was exacerbated by the stress of my move.

My brain is working again! And I can’t wait to start running again, as the inflammation clears more fully from my body.

On a gross level, I’m researching diets, learning about what types of food cause this type of inflammation, and scheduling an appointment with a functional medicine doctor who specializes in auto-immune inflammation.

On a subtle/causal level… well that’s interesting… During meditation, there was a sudden insight that rang deeply true in my being that this inflammation is a war I’m raging against myself.  I saw an image of the battle, and it became clear that I turned resentment inward against myself for being flawed and imperfect, and that for full healing, it’s critical that I purposefully practice self-love and self-kindness.  I’m working on a few different practices that I can implement that will help me move deeper into this, and away from the self-critical, self-destructive behavior.

As is my usual Modus Operandi, I’ll come at this with a multi-dimensional, multi-pronged attack.  (Hmmm… interesting metaphor…)

I recently heard Jeff Salzberg and Keith Witt on the “Shrink and the Pundit” series.  They discussed Keith’s belief that the shift from first to second tier living (stages of consciousness) is the shift from a fear based- to a love based- operating system.  Hearing that felt psycho-active in its own way, as if this knowledge was what was needed to deepen the shift.

I also listened to Patricia Albere’s call on Liminality a few days ago.  In it, she discusses how miracles are more likely when we’re open, available, resting our awareness, our consciousness in liminal space. The liminal is the barely perceptible space – just beyond the edge of one’s awareness.  It’s that unique space that exists simultaneously on both sides of a threshold, the place where something isn’t a particle or a wave – it’s both. When we are rigid in our beliefs and have hard structures in ourselves that we wall off – when we’re emotionally, physically, psychologically closed – we’re not as likely to notice unexpected, implausible possibility and potential.  The more we operate from a liminal space – the more space there is for wonderful things to show up.

I feel as if a miracle has just happened, in the brief window of clarity the other night.

I have a plan, I have a strategy, I have openness and possibility, and I have an amazing group of friends around me, deeply supporting and loving me into ever greater wholeness.  How can miracles not happen?

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